If you’re a parent ,then I know how you must have felt in the moment to yell at your kid and then feel guilty about it. I have been there and sometimes still be there, but I have learnt from experience that yelling and aggression in any way only elevates the situation and does not help in the long run. Children are innocent and they forget the situation if we hold them closer to ourselves but the effects of this are deeply associated with how they feel about themselves. If we keep on shouting, you are not a good girl / boy, you don’t listen to mumma /papa, you always have tantrums whenever we are outside in public, etc etc. These little words affect their thoughts and how they start thinking about their own selves. And we as parents always want the best for our kids . So let’s dive into this a little deep and understand what’s and why’s it really happens.
Why do parents yell?
Most of the parents yell at their kids is because they feel frustrated with their kid’s behavior. And also because we feel overwhelmed and angry , which makes us raise our voices. But that rarely solves the situation. It may quiet the children and make them obedient for a short time, but it won’t make them correct their behavior or their attitudes. In short, it teaches to fear you rather than understand their consequences of their actions.
This also applies to older kids, the typical “teenage” problems. In India, many parents think that taking away a beloved object(Like toys, books, and mobile phones) will really make the kid understand what the consequences of any problematic situation are. But ,in reality, it makes the kids stubborn because it passes the wrong message that If you’re not doing what is expected of you then your beloved possession will be taken away . This way of dealing with parent frustration , by taking away really does not teach anything to the kids. And then the problem starts where the kid tends to hide all things from parents just for the sake of securing his beloved object. So, I want to encourage parents to be open to our kids and explain the consequences by sitting next to them, instead of dominating them because you are a parent(older one) and he’s your child. Ofcourse , I don’t want to say that you should not have some limits and discipline in your family. Don’t get me wrong , I am all about discipline and working limits for everyone in our household. But there is a gentle breeze in our home, where everyone’s opinion (even my 3 year old’s) matter and is taken into consideration.
Please don’t underestimate the power of problem-solving in our kids, no matter how young they are, they are the most creative beings and the most honest people you can expect them to be.
Our number one job as a parent, I feel, after assuring the safety of our children , is to manage our own emotions. It is developmentally inappropriate for a child to always be in a good mood, be happy and cheerful. It’s foolish of ourselves to not understand the simple thing, that our kids are just like any other “adult” human being and they need a little extra love, support and understanding when they are not at their best behavior. So, we must understand that the loud voice does not makes the message clearer but only elevates the pitch and shouting will only make the children tune out and then discipline will be harder, since each time you raise your voice their receptivity will be lowered. Yelling,only scares the children and makes them feel insecure and not loved. But as parents we don’t give much thought to our kid’s perspective. It can be so hard for a child to first go through a discomforting situation and then upon that to get scolded by their parents from whom they expect the exact opposite. On the other hand, Calmness reassures them and makes them feel loved and secured and accepted in spite of bad behavior.
So, how to handle difficult situations creatively and calmly when you’re at your wits end, stay tuned for the next post.
I want you to have one take away from this read, that Yelling does not help the child to feel confident about themselves , it only lowers their self-esteem , self- respect and result into aggression and anxiety.
I’d like to keep this conversation open, so give me your thoughts and experiences about the same in the comments below. And if you think this read could help somebody, please feel free to share.